“Frustration and I have become good friends. And like any friend who's a bad influence, frustration sometimes makes me do things that are, in retrospect, stupid.” - Jenna Black
Have you ever been so frustrated that you rashly and impulsively acted in a manner that later, or sometimes immediately came back and bit you in the posterior realm? Yeah, me either. I have way more self control than that, as I’m sure many of you do as well. We should all be so disciplined. And all others should not engage in polite society. Just kidding. I’m the worst. I would be a cave dweller if I followed my own suggestion.
I have a tendency to let myself get frustrated over some of most ridiculous things. Things I have no control over (and perhaps that’s part of the reason I get frustrated), and can do nothing about. I have been noticing for a while now that those tendencies manifest much more frequently than they used to when I was younger. I have been trying to recognize in the moment when that is happening, and why I’m letting it happen. Maybe then I can get ahold of it before I react in a way that results in what I call being stupid on purpose. I have to say that I have lectured my children for years about being stupid on purpose. But I never related my own behavior in circumstances of frustration as on purpose until recently. Ok - today. Oh, I knew I would act stupidly sometimes when I was frustrated. I just didn’t put together the “on purpose” part of it. And the thing is, I watch people get downright crazy sometimes over things that don’t seem like that big a deal to me. I think to myself, “Geeze…that person is way over-reacting over something that clearly isn’t a 10!”
Here’s the thing. I know that I am not the only one who suffers from this particular phenomenon. I see it in others every day. I recognize that I have been quick to judge others who behave poorly when they get frustrated or angry. But I haven’t turned inward to judge myself similarly. I haven’t stopped to examine how I so quickly get to the reactionary state, where I yell at the person in the car in front of me who just cut me off in traffic, or I make comments just within earshot of someone to make sure they hear and know that I’m upset with whatever it was they did or said. So snide. So sarcastic. And I don’t even try not to do it. I have a right to let them know that I think they’re stupid, or they’re a jerk, and whatever they did or said justifies my being a jerk back. I have to cringe when I think about it from outside myself and see myself how others see me. They see me just like I see other people who I feel like are being off the rails over things.
It’s funny. When I was much younger, people used to remark all the time how laid back I was and how patient a always was. I never really gave that much thought. I knew then that I had a knack for not letting things get to me. I was pretty much always on an even plane. But over the years, with all of life’s ups and downs, I guess I have really convinced myself that my frustrations are always justified. From there, since they are justified, then naturally I have a right to act on them. I noticed everyone else acting on their frustrations, so why not me?? What began as trying to learn to “stand up for myself” has evolved into behavior that is really quite ugly at times. And the kicker? I behave badly on purpose. Bad behavior is always stupid. I behave stupidly - on purpose.
Here is what finally brought me to this realization. My sisters and I, and my daughter and daughter-in-law decided to go see a concert at a local venue. I was designated the task of buying tickets so we could all be seated together. Makes complete sense. Right? So I was trying to purchase 5 tickets. And they weren’t cheap! I was going to get the tickets and everyone was going to pay me back. And that is no big deal at all. I was good with it because I know I don’t have to worry about everyone paying me back. But as I was trying to purchase my tickets on line, the system kept glitching. What should have taken about 10 or 15 minutes at the most was taking upwards of an hour. I was getting more and more frustrated. I wanted to throw my phone through the window. But I didn’t. Instead, because I was frustrated, becoming angry and impatient, I somehow managed to buy those 5 tickets twice. And I didn’t realize it until the money was already taken out of our account. When I got confirmation that the tickets were to be emailed within a couple of days, I thought everything was good. then I got the email today that said my tickets were ready to download and print. Then I got a notification from my bank saying that I authorized this huge amount of money to be debited from my account….I was shocked! Twice the amount I thought I was authorizing…but for the same 5 tickets. I wasn’t even getting 10 tickets for that amount of money! I couldn’t believe I did that! After much explaining and a lot of phone calls later, I got it straightened out, but it took a lot of time out of my day that I couldn’t really afford to take, and that I’ll never get back!
So all day I have been thinking about how I got to that point. As I was getting more and more frustrated, I was choosing to let it get the best of me. I was choosing to act out in a rash and impatient manner. I began remembering other times when I have let frustration get the best of me. I finally lost count of the times. But I was able to recognize at what point I made the decision to let myself get under it. In every specific situation I could recall in detail, I was able to almost exactly pinpoint where I decided that any way I reacted was justified. Each situation was different, but in every case there was a building of momentum before the final straw and I gave up my own sovereignty over my mind and let other forces take control. And when I thought of it in those terms, it was sort of frightening. But it is absolutely what I do - and what anyone does - when they react and be stupid on purpose. You know full well on some level that you are doing it. And I know when I am. After I determined that yes, I do indeed have a problem with being stupid on purpose, I next determined what to do to fix the problem.
I am convinced that this solution I’ve arrived at for myself will work for virtually anyone who wants to change in this regard. To stop doing and saying stupid things on purpose - things that cause harm on so many levels - is simple. In theory, anyway. I know the concept is simple. Putting it to practice will be, shall we say, challenging. When I was much younger, I used to literally assign levels of how much things matter in the scheme of things. It was just part of my nature. I would ask myself, will this matter in the long term? Is this going to matter next year, next month, next week…tomorrow? In an hour? The level to which it was going to matter in any given situation was instinctively assessed in the moment, and acted upon, or not acted upon appropriately. I don’t remember when exactly I stopped applying that to situations, but somehow at some point I did. I have to just chalk it up to life, though that doesn’t justify anything, except in my own mind over the years. So I am going to make a conscious effort going forward to try to recognize in real time when I am getting frustrated. I am going to try to assess in the moment how much it will matter. And most importantly, I am going to strive to control my thoughts in the moment.
When I examine the how’s and the whys, I realize that what I let myself think in those times that I behave rashly and stupidly, everything that led up to those situations began with my thoughts about what was happening at the time. And instead of taking the thoughts captive and bringing them into subjection, I was letting every vain imagination exalt itself, and I was taking it personally every time. My husband always says that the mind is the battlefield. He could not be more right. Your mind is where every sin begins. It begins with a thought. From there, we start to entertain that thought. We entertain it until it becomes the most important dignitary visiting at the time, so of course we have to do everything in our power to accommodate it! Don’t we?? Sure seems like it. For me, anyway. So, I am going to try not to let myself entertain any of those silly thoughts that would cause me to be stupid on purpose. Because it is on purpose. I can’t say I’ll be good at it right away. I’m sure I won’t. But I’m sure going to try to start remembering to ask myself where the thoughts are coming from, and how much, if at all, whatever is happing will matter in the scheme of things. And then, I’ll let the punishment fit the crime, so to speak. If it’s only a 2 on the “matters” scale, I will try not to treat it like it’s a 10. Over the years, I have experienced some actual 10’s so you would think I’d be smart enough to know one when I see one!
Here is what will help me in my quest. I know it will help anyone who needs it. And it is this: “Casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ..” 2 Corinthians 10:5. And that’s it. It’s that simple. In theory, if not in practice. I know that if I am diligent to always be aware of what is happening when it is happening, I can train myself to to take those thoughts captive. It will allow me to put everything into the proper perspective and put this wise scripture to practical use. I know you can too, if you have these same issues.
For myself, I am going to try not to let the little things bother me. I am going to focus on getting back to a more level headed approach to situations that bring frustration. I hope that if you struggle in this area too, this has been encouraging and helpful. If it hasn’t been, then eat the hay and leave the sticks. (Also something my husband says, lol.)
Blessings.